Everywhere I turn, I'm confronted about the awful truth of my sins and mistakes, it's like for the first time, I've allowed my consciousness full access to my life from the point of view of God and his laws through the Church, and I come up so shabby, I was such an ignorant fool, caused so much grief, one act that reverberates down the years, affecting my loved ones in subtle ways, I hate knowing I gave them such pain.
My unhealed sin, has led me to my solitary confinement here in this small apartment in my home town, contemplating my soul with rain outside from yet another cold front.
Unhealed, though forgiven, by the god of infinite mercy and grace, I am happy I went to confession.
It is now morning, and my cold isn't better as much as I'd hoped it was going to be :(
I'll have to miss yoga, damn it, there's no way my body could keep up.
In the cold pre-apocalypse early morning, as thoughts of my sins bounce around my head like
ping-pong balls, I realize I may be being attacked by demons, taunting me with my sins, trying to make them
real in a way that allows for no forgiveness.
The other night, it was the same, actually, it was worse, I had what felt like worms crawling up my throat,
choking me, I kept trying to swallow to no avail, it was partly the result of my sore throat from the virus I have, but multiplied a hundred fold, my heart started pounding and I was lost in a sea of pain...
I prayed the Hail Mary, called on Jesus, and it went, peace returned - it occurs to me that since it is my faith that gives me the grace to know I am forgiven, the demons will be trying to undermine that, trying to corrupt my faith, trying to make me feel worthless so I will give up and sink back into the abyss.
Is it them, too, who give me this cringe factor, everytime I shut my eyes to go to sleep, and my words come back to haunt me....?
Demons and angels and sin and Hail Mary - to the world, and to the people I know, its enough to send me packing to therapy, lol.
Early Sunday morning:
Saturday started cloudy and cool, but the sun soon beamed his way through, and I got ready for the markets at a slow (sick-bodied) pace.
Turdles (my daughter) and I walked into town, the place was packed with tourists and locals, our market day is a bit famous, and the free entertainment is a big draw-card.
I found Curly's (my friend) stall where she sells jewelry, she was in peak form, chatting to the customers and radiating warm-hearted saleswomanship, she is a natural at it, and I can only admire, when I've tried it, I fail dismally.
Turdles and I found a spot on the grass to sit and watch the band, neither of us wanted to look at the stalls
very much, although we did one lap, and I bought her a beautiful hand-made ring made from a shell for Christmas (now I have to get it back from her so I can wrap it up!).
The same band is playing at a winery on Sunday, it's not my style of music to dance to, but I'm going to go anyway, for my ex's wife's birthday, and I can dance to anything!
We meet up with my sister, and she gives us a lift home, so her and I sit down for a cup of coffee,
and then a fight erupts!
It is over Christmas, sigh, which day to have our family get-together on, she's rang her family to gather support to go against what suited my family, sigh, usually I don't engage her in a heated argument, but
for some reason today I do, maybe I'm less tolerant from being sick, or maybe I've just had enough,
maybe because she is at my home (a rare event).
We don't scream at each other, kudos to both of us, lol, but she leaves in a huff and I feel sicker than before.
I talk to Turdles about it, and feel better, we'll sort it out, families are good at that, if they have any love.
Turdles' boyfriend has gone on a buck's night weekend, for his mate, camping on a beach (40 of them!)
so we've decided to watch a movie together and I cook us dinner, steak and vegies.
Leesy-Mo (daughter no 2) comes over before going to a party, with a friend of hers and we have a nice little
girly-time before we all hop in the car to drive them to the party.
As they walk up the hill towards the party, and Turdles and I drive off, I feel a sadness envelope me, I love going to a good party, dancing all night, generally having a wild time, but I've hit an age where my friends have mellow parties, if they have them at all, and I wonder if I'll ever get to another great one again..
Turdles tries to reassure me, but it takes me a while to get over it... it's not that I'm trying to stay young,
but I can't stand the thought that growing older has to repress me, my whole being demands breaking free of constraints, and I do love a good wild party :}
So, back at her home, Turdles the pregnant buddha belly, and I, settle in to watch 'Ted' .
We are doggie-sitting Leesy-Mo's dogs as well, but the four of them have been running around playing together all day and are fast asleep, not even blinking when I take close-ups.
The confession is a powerful sacrament, no wonder it is mentioned right at the beginning, when Jesus makes Peter the first Pope. Among its after-effects is a fine-tuning of the conscience, and my consciousness is responding, I am waking up to myself!
And what's worse, new smaller sins keep happening, I went to a hairdresser with a cold, I'm praying that she won't catch it! Now I feel the pain, of these transgressions, it's uncomfortable, but I am not feeling the full brunt of it - it's as if I'm being cushioned by love :)
Thank God it is not all up to me, I know what I have still to do, and no doubt the chance will spring up soon.
Tomorrow is the Market Day in my little town, I'm going to go and sit on the grass and watch some live music, will take my lappie and post from there, with pics, and maybe some more spiritual crazy-talk but maybe not, it's in the lap of the gods.
Btw, my American readers, I had my first Bud the other night, very nice!
Happy Friday!
XX KK
It is now morning, and my cold isn't better as much as I'd hoped it was going to be :(
I'll have to miss yoga, damn it, there's no way my body could keep up.
In the cold pre-apocalypse early morning, as thoughts of my sins bounce around my head like
ping-pong balls, I realize I may be being attacked by demons, taunting me with my sins, trying to make them
real in a way that allows for no forgiveness.
The other night, it was the same, actually, it was worse, I had what felt like worms crawling up my throat,
choking me, I kept trying to swallow to no avail, it was partly the result of my sore throat from the virus I have, but multiplied a hundred fold, my heart started pounding and I was lost in a sea of pain...
I prayed the Hail Mary, called on Jesus, and it went, peace returned - it occurs to me that since it is my faith that gives me the grace to know I am forgiven, the demons will be trying to undermine that, trying to corrupt my faith, trying to make me feel worthless so I will give up and sink back into the abyss.
Is it them, too, who give me this cringe factor, everytime I shut my eyes to go to sleep, and my words come back to haunt me....?
Demons and angels and sin and Hail Mary - to the world, and to the people I know, its enough to send me packing to therapy, lol.
Early Sunday morning:
Saturday started cloudy and cool, but the sun soon beamed his way through, and I got ready for the markets at a slow (sick-bodied) pace.
Turdles (my daughter) and I walked into town, the place was packed with tourists and locals, our market day is a bit famous, and the free entertainment is a big draw-card.
I found Curly's (my friend) stall where she sells jewelry, she was in peak form, chatting to the customers and radiating warm-hearted saleswomanship, she is a natural at it, and I can only admire, when I've tried it, I fail dismally.
Turdles and I found a spot on the grass to sit and watch the band, neither of us wanted to look at the stalls
very much, although we did one lap, and I bought her a beautiful hand-made ring made from a shell for Christmas (now I have to get it back from her so I can wrap it up!).
The same band is playing at a winery on Sunday, it's not my style of music to dance to, but I'm going to go anyway, for my ex's wife's birthday, and I can dance to anything!
We meet up with my sister, and she gives us a lift home, so her and I sit down for a cup of coffee,
and then a fight erupts!
It is over Christmas, sigh, which day to have our family get-together on, she's rang her family to gather support to go against what suited my family, sigh, usually I don't engage her in a heated argument, but
for some reason today I do, maybe I'm less tolerant from being sick, or maybe I've just had enough,
maybe because she is at my home (a rare event).
We don't scream at each other, kudos to both of us, lol, but she leaves in a huff and I feel sicker than before.
I talk to Turdles about it, and feel better, we'll sort it out, families are good at that, if they have any love.
Turdles' boyfriend has gone on a buck's night weekend, for his mate, camping on a beach (40 of them!)
so we've decided to watch a movie together and I cook us dinner, steak and vegies.
Leesy-Mo (daughter no 2) comes over before going to a party, with a friend of hers and we have a nice little
girly-time before we all hop in the car to drive them to the party.
As they walk up the hill towards the party, and Turdles and I drive off, I feel a sadness envelope me, I love going to a good party, dancing all night, generally having a wild time, but I've hit an age where my friends have mellow parties, if they have them at all, and I wonder if I'll ever get to another great one again..
Turdles tries to reassure me, but it takes me a while to get over it... it's not that I'm trying to stay young,
but I can't stand the thought that growing older has to repress me, my whole being demands breaking free of constraints, and I do love a good wild party :}
So, back at her home, Turdles the pregnant buddha belly, and I, settle in to watch 'Ted' .
We are doggie-sitting Leesy-Mo's dogs as well, but the four of them have been running around playing together all day and are fast asleep, not even blinking when I take close-ups.
Now it is a glorious Sunday morning, sunshiney hot, and I'm going to Mass followed by a parish barbeque,
then the beach, my other church, is next.
Happy Sunday, and the peace of Earth!
XXKK
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