What Was...

Friday, June 17, 2011
Diary Entry (circa 19th May 2005 ;) 


A whole pile of my old diaries has turned up, and so I picked a few and skimmed through, not to my surprise, I found this:








"In some ways this focus is probably a replacement for the lack of intimacy and a sexual life...It hurts me horribly when its thrust in my face, but like with the plans,
I overwhelmingly feel and think, that I'm in God's hands and He is directing these developments for His own purposes.
I did hand my self over to Him, and when I succumb to bad grace, I feel humbled in the face of His great knowingness.
Despite my ego giving me lots of feel-good moments, I mostly hold on to the awareness of my inadequate, imperfect self.
And when I'm despairing, I mostly don't feed it, and view myself as falling from grace.
The Bhagavad Gita has some lines that I've found very appropriate for this time:

"Whence is this perilous strait come upon thee,
this dejection which is unworthy of thee, disgraceful,
and which will close the gates of heaven upon thee, O Arjuna?"


Its so appropriate for what I've been living these last weeks, and so much does recur, the fundamental issues keep recycling...
but each time I gain a deeper level of awareness, and as I'm climbing out of the pit once again, its not so much that I think I'll never go there again,
that gives me comfort, but that the pit is not reality, it's a vulnerable pocket of my psyche, and only feels real.

Ugh!
[Posted by kalamitykool at 8:13 PM 0 comments]


Monday, January 10, 2011

'Part Three' by Kalamity Kool 11.1.11 


The connections that happen between a pregnant mother and her unborn child can sound like airy-fairy imaginings, but I can testify that there are, indeed, some intimate intuitions and dreams that occur, not all of them about the positives.
During my second pregnancy, I had a sense that all was not right, a foreboding feeling would come over me, not at all like the blooming fulfillment of my first pregnancy.
During the second month, I felt contractions start.
Since they were so similar to the birthing contractions I'd had previously, I became worried and went to see the doctor, who advised me to lay down and take it easy.
We decided to stay at my Mum's house for a few days because we lived so far from medical help.

Sometime in the night, the contractions became stronger, and I knew my body was expelling the fetus :(
I was sleeping on the single bed, with my husband and son on a mattress on the floor, but for some inexplicable reason, I did not want to wake him.
Fear and grief invaded my heart.
As a member of the Focolare, this particular month, I was trying to live this passage from the Bible:

"And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.”
[John 12:32]

Chiara, the foundress of the movement, in her commentary on this passage, spoke about saying 'yes' to suffering, in the moment when it occurs, thereby uniting a personal pain to that of Jesus on the cross, when he was alone and forsaken even by his father.
I had this image in my mind, of embracing him on the cross, a gesture that was timeless and placeless in a universal sense, so that is what I did, as I lay in the dark on the bed and felt the birthing pains begin.

Almost immediately, I felt His presence all around me.
Truly, really.
Such love!
The physical pain disappeared, and I was washed over with joy, it felt like it stretched to the limits of the universe, boundless and endless, and I was just carried away for a while, I have no idea how long it lasted, but it was very real,
and I was not asleep and dreaming.

In the morning, when I went to the toilet and the malformed fetus came out of me,
I knew the whole pregnancy had been given to me for that experience, and it filled me in a way that would never leave me.
I knew others would think I wasn't allowing myself to grieve, but sadness truly had no room to enter.

Some weeks later, my mother-in-law told me that she'd had a dream that same night, in which Jesus came to her, and told her I was having the miscarriage, and that it was to bring me closer to God.

For those of you Dear Readers who scorn religious concepts and spiritual experiences, and who may suspect me a subject of some kind of brain-washing, I can only say it was all as real as the bed I lay on and the air that I breathe,
and that it shocked me, too, I had no expectations of such an experience, or previous ones anything like that one.

Maybe I will tell you some more, in this diary about the growing of a soul, but I'm also curious to hear if you have similar experiences...?

Blessings! XX

[Posted by kalamitykool at 8:22 PM 0 comments]


Sunday, December 26, 2010

'A Day in the Life Of' Kalamity Kool - Monday 27 Dec 2010 


An aching hip woke me at first light, on a mattress on the floor of JB's house, her daughters were leaving to drive back to Perth, and I soon had a cup of tea. On my mind was a sunny day, I sorely needed to swim, and I was also starting to feel the lack of sunlight.
We went into town for a cup of coffee, not quite strong enough, but welcome anyway.
An old lover walked past with his wife and kids (he wasn't married then!)
lol, he pretended to not know me, and I connected a few puzzling dots from years ago..it was nice to see him looking happy though, and nice to be reminded of the sexual adventures we had all those years ago ;)

JB was desperate for a beach trip too, before she had to work, so we set off, and arrived to nearly empty car-park at Madfish Bay and the cloud lifting away to reveal a classic Denmark beach day.

Barefoot on a gravel footpath! I'd forgotten the exhilaration..

It was a bit blowy, but JB led me to the little spot between the granite boulders, and soon we were satisfied, clothes off and the sun on skin :)
My Broome conditioned body did cringe as I walked into the water, but there really was no option I could give myself, so under I dove, cold green crystal ocean, and again, and then - out to lizard in the sun some more.

We chatted and solved a few more of the mysteries of life, before we drove back through the forested roads of this area, which is the closest thing I have to a home.
At JB's place I got lunch ready while she got ready for work, and later I had leftover prawns and rice with a cold beer.
Now, it is time to retrun to the beach - if it's one thing the inhabitants of this town know, its that you have to make the most, out of all the beautiful days you can.

Amen!

[Posted by kalamitykool at 10:43 PM 0 comments]


Thursday, December 23, 2010

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!! 


The cool air of my old hometown, and its friendly faces are making a very welcome pre-Christmas period for me. I went for a walk up to my old favourite cave and soaked in the forest, came to within a few metres of a tiger-snake, but had enough distance to just watch him slide away.
Now I'm on my way for a walk/swim at the old favourite beach, after days of cloud, and heavy rain last night, the day is crisply sunny, hot for the locals, but after Broome, all very sweet for me.
My son gave me a car!
I think I'll be able to sleep in the back if I need to, its quite spacious and so necessary in these parts. I feel well looked after, and resting in the palm of God's hand.

Blessings to all of you Dear Readers, and cheers to the birth of Love!

XXX :)

[Posted by kalamitykool at 7:06 PM 0 comments]

Monday, December 20, 2010

KK reviews U2 360 concert - Perth 19 Dec 2010


As many of you Dear Readers know, I have entertained quite a Bono fantasy for some years now, so it was a shimmery mix of excitement and anxiety that I had running through me, for the days leading up to the concert.
Excitement that I would finally lay eyes on this man in the flesh, and anxiety due to fear of disappointment.
I was staying the near the city at my niece's place, waiting for my oldest friend to arrive so we could go together, the day had a spring-like quality but was overcast, and I nearly changed out of my sheer white cotton dress, but decided to take my chances, so I sat on the balcony with my niece and had a beer instead.

Over the next few hours, I don't quite know how, the romantic fantasy that has been intruding so deliciously into my reality, gave way to a kind of spiritual freedom, still infused with love, but not holding my heart captive. My dear friend JB and I had talked a few days before about the spiritual aspect of the concert, she is of Irish heritage - wild red hair and green eyes, touched by the fairies and a truth seeking pagan ( in the best tradition, of course! and not anti-Christ) and we both had an intuition that the concert would be an initiator of a new wave of joy and growth in our lives, we were expecting a mega-profound experience, though tempered with our combined 100 years of pinches of salt.

When JB and I finally left to go, we had a few more celebratory drinks under our belts, and were given a lift there by a visiting friend of my niece's. The anxiety was gone, and I just had a smile inside and out.

We managed to get quite close to the stage, and so the waiting began.

...

...


Jay Z saved me, he interjected a revolutionary zeal into the stadium, a flame to fan the love and peace into life, and although the next period of waiting was interminable,
aarrgghhh!
the flame didn't flicker out :)
The music was good, too and the man a compelling performer.
I loved that rap preceeded U2, the music is so different, but so united in spirit!

I had to crane my neck achingly, and find a gap between the backs of some tall boys in front of me, but
a big smile broke out on my face when I saw Bono on stage.
And the Edge. And Adam. And Larry. Hell yeah, they were real after all!

And they weren't lieing when they said they were bringing a spaceship, for the next few hours I was transported, my body could not stop dancing and my arm just had to wave in the air with a peace sign,
nothing else mattered and the music was every bit as awesome live, as I had imagined.

And....(clever boys) I even had missing time!

The crowd were a bit lack-lustre imho, seemingly closed-off with no smiles, not what I thought a U2 audience was like...later JB and I speculated that probably the real fans had gone the night before,
but there was still a palpable atmosphere of appreciation and enjoyment, and lots of singing.

I didn't imagine he was singing the songs to me, I didn't take my clothes off in an effort to draw attention, I didn't try to jump on stage, I didn't even feel sad that my fantasy was exposed as a fantasy, I simply responded, and let the truth set me free

:)

And it has.

'Magnificent' was the best I've heard it performed. Bono gave it an intimate passion that was mesmerizing and elevating at the same time. I don't know how it comes across to non-believers, but the song speaks to me as a soul singing for the glorious unfathomability of God, with a generous lashings of joy, too - it was a privilege to hear it live :)

And, of course, my heart responded to the "All I Want is You' medley.
I was struck afresh how U2 unite romantic love with love for God, for me they are
inseperable, even the sex, despite our infancy as beings of love.
Just as Jesus came to fulfill and in one sense, overthrow what came before, so will His return overthrow this love-infancy, in which we are bound to suppress our natural capacity for physical love (I do believe).
So, 'slide over here' my Beloved, my Lord
:)





That night I fell asleep, to soft rain outside, and as I cuddled my pillow, instead of Bono, I felt a wave of peace and gentle joy wash through me... in this night of sleep, somewhere in the city of my youth, was Bono, poverty's lethal antidote, in the same place at the same time, the thought was strangely comforting, similar to the enormous surge of relief that a man like him existed, when I read 'Bono on Bono' those years ago, and began the first and last rock-star obsession of my life.

Obsessed no more (though of course I still think he is the hottest man on the planet ;)
in my imagination he can live a happy life with his wife again, lol - and I can look forward to opening my heart to a real lover.

After a delicious bottle of local red wine with JB last night, we shared our impressions, the spiritual ones as usual taking centre-stage. For neither of us, was the experience the mind-blowing mega one we had expected, though we both laughed, because in our 100 years we know so well that rarely does anything conform to expectations.
However, we discovered that we both felt the concert marked the beginning of Christmas, a renewal in the spirit of Christmas and all it promises for humanity, not just for this 2010, but somehow, in the best tradition of Irish/Finnish/Australian magic, far into the future.
In a personal way, instead of an awe-struck after-time, we felt deeply moved along the river of our individual journeys, and JB has filled her home with glitter to celebrate.

So, blessings to all who chance to read this, and a very happy Christmas!!!
Posted by kalamitykool at 10:59 PM 0 comments]

Monday, December 13, 2010

'Part Two' by Kalamity Kool
The Focolare

"<> (Jh. 17,21)

We were born for these words, for unity, to give a contribution to its realization in the world."

Chiara Lubich (foundress)

Ahhh...I can't hope to relate the enormity of my years of being within this Movement, or the wisdom I learnt there, the many experiences and depth of spirituality that it gave me.
To my young mind and heart, it was revolutionary.
I had no religious experiences prior to this, since my parents did not go to church, and nothing had prepared me for this presence of God, for the presence that I found alive in the people I met.

What really drew me initially was that, although the Focolare begun with some Catholic girls during World War 11 in Italy, it embraced everyone, of whatever belief/practise, and only made everyone
better within their own religion - even atheists, being so humanitarian as it is - it's for all people of good will. It has never been about converting anyone away from where God has put them.

The first noticable thing about the focolarini is their authentic love, I was struck by it and could not let it go.
They lived the Gospel, not preaching, but genuinely putting passages of it into practise, a new one every month.
[this month: "Nothing will be impossible for God" Luke 1:37]
To choose to love, above all else, is a radical move.
What else really captured me was the realization that in putting God in charge of my life, instead of my own plans and preferences, made it a divine adventure, I would not know where it would take me.
But, it would be making the most out of my time here, the ultimate worthwhile way to spend a lifetime,
nothing wasted.

There is much I could say about the Focolare spirituality, but its best I leave it for you, Dear Reader, to read up on, if you so desire. I will relate a few experiences I had during a decade of living within the Movement.

The first one happened while I was pregnant for the second time, I was happily married and already had a two year old son.

More soon.

[Posted by kalamitykool at 10:50 PM 0 comments]