Saturday afternoon, and I'm sitting on my daughter's veranda, an idyllic spot, a small cottage near a beach with no-one living within view, I'm out here with two horses and two dogs, 'baby-sitting' while my daughter has gone to a wedding in Margaret River.
(one of these naughty horses ate half the silverbeet I had in my car while I was looking for the key!)
(this one is my daughter's horse, Zephyr)
I have to talk about the lump. There is no-one in my offline world atm, that I can do this with, so you,
dear Reader, will be my ear, sitting captive as you are, though quite free to leave your computer, too.
The wonder of free will, so elegant in each moment.
Last Monday, I woke up with a very painful right breast, it was red and swollen, and felt like a blocked milk duct, like what I had a few times in the days when I was breast-feeding.
It was better already by the next day, but I got in to see a doctor late on Thursday afternoon, and of course she was concerned, and so I'm having an ultrasound on Tuesday. I won't have a mammogram, had one once before, and I fainted from the pain.
What I want to tell you, dear Reader, is about what is happening to me as a result of this experience.
Unprecedented! I thought I'd been everywhere ;)
2012 has been a year of confronting self, in all facets of my life, from the spiritual, to sexual, money,
friendships, ambition, men, living circumstances, family...and now health.
I feel like I'm clearing away debris, getting my house in order, throwing away the rubbish.
The lump makes me think it could be for my death.
My first surprise was that I really didn't care.
I was not aware how the nucleus of my essential loneliness was still there, deep in my soul, vibrating with all its well-known force, well-sedated and bandaged-up for sure, with all the joy I do have in living, but
unassailable, undeniable, unmovable.
I do not want my children or any who love me to have to grief, I want to be around to be a good granny.
So of course I will fight this lump, if it requires it, I will suffuse it with all manner of loving healings,
I stand as good a chance as anybody.
If I have to, I will have my whole breast cut off.
But I have no way to stop the nucleus from its incessant vibration, as it longs for fusion.
And, I cannot forget the place I went to, when I died for a short while last year.
If I could go back without anybody suffering, I would already be there.
The love simply burned all else away, it was as
unassailable and undeniable
as the vibration of my little nucleus of loneliness.
Moving closer to the surface, from these stark depths, there have been other surprises, which I have heard about from other people in similar situations, but not experienced myself at this level of awareness before.
Suddenly, my time is so much more precious, and has a value I hadn't seriously considered before.
Time with family and being in the beauty that surrounds me is paramount.
Even my writing ambition falls into the background, as important to me as it has always been, from when I first learnt to read.
I can't stop writing, but where I do it, is so much clearer, and it is here :)
If anybody out there in cyberspace wants more of me, they will have to pay for my time :)
I know I will come across the many small injustices that make up a morally corrupt system, capitalism
running rampant through our communities, unchecked and unheeded, I have vast experience in
confronting it, due to my poverty and all that happens every week with my disabled daughter.
I have no option but to speak the truth, and already I've had to confront it...
On Friday, the radiology clinic phoned me, to get info, which I gave them, but later my youngest daughter called - I could hear the catch of her cry as she told me the radiology clinic was trying to get hold of me.
Fucking bastards!
At the time, I knew Turdles was dealing with a problem with Ami, my disabled daughter, and I was furious that they had phoned her, instead of trying to get me back on the phone.
I had no missed calls on my phone, so they had simply phoned the person I had on my doctor's records as next of kin.
So, I phoned them, they had double booked and wanted to change the time of my appointment.
I kept my cool, as we changed it, then I told her I did not want my daughter to know about the lump in my breast, and why they rang her instead of me.
She tried to fob me off with the excuse it was because Turdles was on my records from my doctor, and that my message bank was full.
I told her I had no missed calls on my phone from them, and that I don't keep a message bank because I can't afford it, but that I will respond to missed calls.
She started to give the usual excuse that they aren't responsible for my finances etc, but I butted in,
and repeated that I will respond to missed calls, but that they had not even tried to phone me, and now I had a family problem to deal with because of them.
I think it was due to the extra cost of phoning me out at my shack, it was cheaper for their business to phone Turdles, who lives in the same town.
Insensitive greedy fuckwits!
I didn't want Turdles to worry heedlessly, unnecessarily, and I managed to calm her fears, and of course I will tell them if it turns out there is a big health concern, but until then - no way, and I'm still angry this choice of care for my family was taken from me.
Sailing back to calmer waters, the scent of West Australian peppermint trees is absolutely divine here atm!
There was a mysterious mist, like water over the outlaying land this morning, the dawn of a new day,
and all the second chances I need!
So, to confront my health, I'm going to have to get tougher on myself, stop the loneliness sedation
with too much alcohol on a weekend, and cut out some dietary evils I still cling to.
All year, I've made great progress on this anyway, so it won't be too hard, and my exercise habits are already pretty good, except I need to do yoga every day probably.
I can tell I'm looking fit and slim, by the looks men give me, lol, reliable as they are in their sex drive :)
A curious thing, though - on Thursday, I'd been cleaning Ami's house, and had left my clothes bag at Turdles's home, so I went about my town business in the old boardshorts and loose t-shirt I'd found in the boot of my car...
I was so surprised at how many men checked me out, one young guy even walked out of his way to get a better look, I couldn't believe it, we're so often told it is low-cut dresses and high heels and make-up that attract a man's eyes, that experience showed me how far from the truth that is!
Happily so, God bless men and their sex drives!
There is more...but for now I have said enough, I'm at peace, and I want any of you that may be worried about me, to know I have the aid of another mother to sustain me in the details of my daily life :)
And I will still be on LOP, a little bit, but won't be publishing all my thinking and writing for no return any more, my time now has value! ;)
XX KK
(one of these naughty horses ate half the silverbeet I had in my car while I was looking for the key!)
(this one is my daughter's horse, Zephyr)
I have to talk about the lump. There is no-one in my offline world atm, that I can do this with, so you,
dear Reader, will be my ear, sitting captive as you are, though quite free to leave your computer, too.
The wonder of free will, so elegant in each moment.
Last Monday, I woke up with a very painful right breast, it was red and swollen, and felt like a blocked milk duct, like what I had a few times in the days when I was breast-feeding.
It was better already by the next day, but I got in to see a doctor late on Thursday afternoon, and of course she was concerned, and so I'm having an ultrasound on Tuesday. I won't have a mammogram, had one once before, and I fainted from the pain.
What I want to tell you, dear Reader, is about what is happening to me as a result of this experience.
Unprecedented! I thought I'd been everywhere ;)
2012 has been a year of confronting self, in all facets of my life, from the spiritual, to sexual, money,
friendships, ambition, men, living circumstances, family...and now health.
I feel like I'm clearing away debris, getting my house in order, throwing away the rubbish.
The lump makes me think it could be for my death.
My first surprise was that I really didn't care.
I was not aware how the nucleus of my essential loneliness was still there, deep in my soul, vibrating with all its well-known force, well-sedated and bandaged-up for sure, with all the joy I do have in living, but
unassailable, undeniable, unmovable.
I do not want my children or any who love me to have to grief, I want to be around to be a good granny.
So of course I will fight this lump, if it requires it, I will suffuse it with all manner of loving healings,
I stand as good a chance as anybody.
If I have to, I will have my whole breast cut off.
But I have no way to stop the nucleus from its incessant vibration, as it longs for fusion.
And, I cannot forget the place I went to, when I died for a short while last year.
If I could go back without anybody suffering, I would already be there.
The love simply burned all else away, it was as
unassailable and undeniable
as the vibration of my little nucleus of loneliness.
Moving closer to the surface, from these stark depths, there have been other surprises, which I have heard about from other people in similar situations, but not experienced myself at this level of awareness before.
Suddenly, my time is so much more precious, and has a value I hadn't seriously considered before.
Time with family and being in the beauty that surrounds me is paramount.
Even my writing ambition falls into the background, as important to me as it has always been, from when I first learnt to read.
I can't stop writing, but where I do it, is so much clearer, and it is here :)
If anybody out there in cyberspace wants more of me, they will have to pay for my time :)
I know I will come across the many small injustices that make up a morally corrupt system, capitalism
running rampant through our communities, unchecked and unheeded, I have vast experience in
confronting it, due to my poverty and all that happens every week with my disabled daughter.
I have no option but to speak the truth, and already I've had to confront it...
On Friday, the radiology clinic phoned me, to get info, which I gave them, but later my youngest daughter called - I could hear the catch of her cry as she told me the radiology clinic was trying to get hold of me.
Fucking bastards!
At the time, I knew Turdles was dealing with a problem with Ami, my disabled daughter, and I was furious that they had phoned her, instead of trying to get me back on the phone.
I had no missed calls on my phone, so they had simply phoned the person I had on my doctor's records as next of kin.
So, I phoned them, they had double booked and wanted to change the time of my appointment.
I kept my cool, as we changed it, then I told her I did not want my daughter to know about the lump in my breast, and why they rang her instead of me.
She tried to fob me off with the excuse it was because Turdles was on my records from my doctor, and that my message bank was full.
I told her I had no missed calls on my phone from them, and that I don't keep a message bank because I can't afford it, but that I will respond to missed calls.
She started to give the usual excuse that they aren't responsible for my finances etc, but I butted in,
and repeated that I will respond to missed calls, but that they had not even tried to phone me, and now I had a family problem to deal with because of them.
I think it was due to the extra cost of phoning me out at my shack, it was cheaper for their business to phone Turdles, who lives in the same town.
Insensitive greedy fuckwits!
I didn't want Turdles to worry heedlessly, unnecessarily, and I managed to calm her fears, and of course I will tell them if it turns out there is a big health concern, but until then - no way, and I'm still angry this choice of care for my family was taken from me.
Sailing back to calmer waters, the scent of West Australian peppermint trees is absolutely divine here atm!
There was a mysterious mist, like water over the outlaying land this morning, the dawn of a new day,
and all the second chances I need!
So, to confront my health, I'm going to have to get tougher on myself, stop the loneliness sedation
with too much alcohol on a weekend, and cut out some dietary evils I still cling to.
All year, I've made great progress on this anyway, so it won't be too hard, and my exercise habits are already pretty good, except I need to do yoga every day probably.
I can tell I'm looking fit and slim, by the looks men give me, lol, reliable as they are in their sex drive :)
A curious thing, though - on Thursday, I'd been cleaning Ami's house, and had left my clothes bag at Turdles's home, so I went about my town business in the old boardshorts and loose t-shirt I'd found in the boot of my car...
I was so surprised at how many men checked me out, one young guy even walked out of his way to get a better look, I couldn't believe it, we're so often told it is low-cut dresses and high heels and make-up that attract a man's eyes, that experience showed me how far from the truth that is!
Happily so, God bless men and their sex drives!
There is more...but for now I have said enough, I'm at peace, and I want any of you that may be worried about me, to know I have the aid of another mother to sustain me in the details of my daily life :)
And I will still be on LOP, a little bit, but won't be publishing all my thinking and writing for no return any more, my time now has value! ;)
XX KK
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