KALAMITY KOOL : Holy Dreams, Circular Nightmares

I never thought, back in the day, back in the days of my density,
that one day

a small silly lie would bother me so much,
an inconsequential nothing,
told in a moment of distraction
of no import whatsoever
yet
there it sits, in the once insensitive regions of my consciousness,
blistering prickly heat and an unspoken demand to rectify

*****

I want to report on my vegie garden, which I'm getting ready for spring planting.

I have half the ingredients for a hot compost:

cow-poo

grass

old tent for a cover

When it stops raining I'll collect sea-weed and get a bale of hay, and rock-dust, then

it's just a matter of piling it up, third bed up

A close friend was there to help:

I have a huge potential area available to me, all facing the coveted north:

I need to fence off the area, the cows get let in occasionally

and they..

chew plants

even ornamental pot plants, as I discovered..

But, for some reason, known only to cows, they left the lettuce alone

*****

I think it was last week

on a rainy winter's morning

tucked up in bed waiting for the sunrise

that Ghetto Monk (Trinity) posted a video on Godlike that made me sit up and take notice.

I've watched 'The Secret' stuff

ho hummm

could never believe reality is only subjective.

But Mr Hill has his feet firmly planted

and his head and heart in the right place

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3HMSjfIovJ4]

I admit I've been fickle, starting out all fired up and earnestly planning many writing sessions that don't happen,

posting on Godlike instead, or doing the house-work or getting out into the garden..

there's something so very confronting, to sit and make it happen,

so many pulls to do other things with the hours, and so much that needs to be done too.

Blame it on inadequate fathering, I just about sweat blood to make myself be disciplined :(

And, as for routines -

ugh!

You know it, this is gonna be tough.

Yet, I doubt it's ever been easy for anyone.

I wonder if every other successful person has ruminated deeply on why bother to be a success?

I don't think it is something to be taken for granted.

{as I make myself another cup of tea to escape the blank screen}

Christianity has only made it harder for me, I could easily believe Jesus only means for me to be a good mother/grandmother and be of service to as many as I can.

I would think the ego needed to aim for colossal success

{such as being the world's first great internet writer}

is a huge impediment to a Christian life.

I have to confess, my ego is no longer up for the task, knocked about as it has been

by the harsh realities of life in the 21st century.

I was pleased to note though, that some of it, I had right :)

Such as wanting to take others with me, the Stalker1 magazine idea.

It was such a great vision, these Godlike names, lit up on the world stage,

the first internet writers, pioneers of a whole new genre of writing,

original

and

extraordinary

And also my seeking a Mastermind Alliance:

Lesson 2: Mastermind Alliance

The Mastermind principle consists of an alliance of two or more minds working in perfect harmony for the attainment of a common definite objective. Success does not come without the cooperation of others.

http://www.success.com/articles/554---napoleon-hill-s-17-principles-of-personal-achievement

Even though these things didn't come-off, my ideas were essentially good ones.

I had {have?} a lot of the attributes Mr Hill endorses, and I'll be taking it seriously and doing my best, to improve.

{as I go out into the rain to chop wood}

You may wonder, dear Reader, what has changed, why I'm not settling back to comfort-zone...

despite the clever rhetoric and excellent motivators of Mr Hill.

Life is a series of day-to-day accomplishments

{while I sit and stare into space}

once in a while, something apart blasts into its sphere,

an awakening glimpse of something more

an enlightening spark that ignites

hard to ignore

harder to transform into action,

yes

{as I get up and dance to a good song on the radio}

who am I to believe God does not want me to tell my story?

His hand is in it so many times, like a caress, a holding, a push and a prodding,

I have the words, I have the tools,

I can muster what else I need

*****

Ahh yes, those little lies.

I clean the local Catholic Church and parish house, it takes about an hour once a week,

they pay me for it, though I've said I can do it for free.

Usually, I am in a hurry, to get it done and get to my daughter's home to help with my baby grand-daughter, so once I knocked over a bucket of water right outside the priest's bedroom door,

and just before I went to Broome, I broke off a clip on the vacuum cleaner, that made it hard to use without the hand-piece coming apart.

I thought about leaving a note, but I don't know why, I didn't,

maybe just too caught up in my self-imposed rush,

I wrote a note to myself though, to bring gaff-tape when I came back, to fix it with.

Of course, they had to vacuum the church in the meantime, I am not the only one keeping the church clean and tidy.

On the day I cleaned again, after my holiday, the Deacon dropped in, just as I had the vacuum out.

He said he'd put some cardboard in it, to hold it in place, I told him I had the gaff tape, and then

I don't know why really

I said something like

"the clip must have broken off, without me realizing"

wtf?

I knew it had.

[shame]

It was when I went to Mass the next Sunday that it really hit me.

There was a sense of discomfort, not the peace I had grown accustomed to.

I felt distracted, the Mass seemed all disjointed, I was cut-off, couldn't connect in myself and the presence of God seemed to be a fancy notion only, not reality :(

But, bless the Holy Spirit, he made me see,

later when I thought about it,

and I resolved to correct it.

I did beat myself up about it for sometime, felt sick,

couldn't believe I could be so flippantly deceitful.

In the end, I prayed

my sorriness

my resolve to do better

and I accepted my dis-ease for his sake,

said my 'yes' to the pain I felt.

I left a card next time, with a written apology

as I wait for a chance to go to Reconciliation