KK Blog 31 st December 2011

It started at the dance, the Friday night 5-Rhythms dance that keeps me sane.

The young man (who, the first time he heard the music, tried to climb in through the window to join in)

was sitting next to me after the sharing circle, and asked me if I could teach him to dance.

I laughed, the point of this dance is to let your body do whatever it wants, but he was so earnest, that I said “yes,

we could just have a dance together”.

Just as we were exchanging phone numbers, someone said there was a band at the pub, so he asked me to go there for

a drink, his shout. After two hours of dancing, a Guiness is always welcome, so we went.

There’s a state of being, out of the ordinary, that fills me after the dance, all the stresses, the feelings, the thinking, has gone…

and I’m left with a relaxed, open and quite often, slightly euphoric version of myself.

Maybe it was the same for him, we got on well together, and danced some more (me in the pyjama pants I wear to the dance ;)

We chatted to get to know each other, and then he took a hold of my hand. I froze – here was the crunch, up till then, I had been keeping him in the friend box, now I had to choose. I let him hold my hand. I guess in the absence of a good enough reason not to.

We had fun together, talked and danced, he kissed me lightly, right in front of everyone, I felt a bit embarrassed, but his wanting to claim me was so sweet to me, after so long being alone. Hell, he was sweet J

So the time came for me to drive him home, I decided to just drop him off and not go in. But!

I seriously underestimated the power of a kiss.

Even inside, with a beer in my hand, I was still trying to leave, eating melted cheese on toast, I was going home…

“relax sweetie, I’m just a young dude who likes sex” he said.

My mumblings about taking it slow faded away in the light of this logic, and I relaxed. I don’t really know why, but then –

that is what makes the dance between men and women so damn exciting.

And so we went to bed.

*********************************************************************************

Before I went to sleep, I told him I would go home if I couldn’t sleep, if he didn’t mind, he said “ I think

you’ll sleep fine”.

And I did.

*********************************************************************************

The whole six weeks I was with him, I felt comfortable with him, whether it was due to all my accumulated wisdom and experience, or his naturalness, I don’t know, probably both, but it was easy and I could be myself. I didn’t think it was more than a one-night stand.
The next day when I was home and he phoned me, I was surprised. In my mind, he’d already assumed the proportions of history, and it was exciting to hear his voice again, inviting me to his place for dinner.

As it turned out, he got his housemate to cook, while we sat watching music clips on Foxtel and drinking rum.

We got very drunk, I remember dancing to Craig David and Paul Simon, naked with only his dressing gown on, flapping it about like a matador’s cape, lol.

It was such good fun!

Over the following week, he drank a lot. I think,  only one night we didn’t drink. I told him he was on the edge of becoming a fully fledged alco,

he told me he would go get a new liver.

When, at the end of our first week together, I left to go on a trip with my fam to Margaret River, I’d decided to stop seeing him. We had a brief discussion about it, of the kind that leaves each other free, he was also going away, but he told me he’d still be wanting to have sex with me when I was 70!
Who wouldn’t like hearing that?

When I was in Margs, he texted me and rang me, but  I was not going to keep on with him, because he drank way too much, he was too young, etc. I sent him a message:

‘Oh cam, u b so bold, but i been thinking n i just wanna b friends, I’ll meet up with you when I want to party’.

And then I got on with my life, not knowing it wasn’t quite over yet. He went to a men’s weekend, thought about his liver, and he gave up drinking.

So when we met again, he was much more appealing, and twice as sweet. And to my surprise, we continued to have fun together, he was helpful and so keen, merging his daily life with mine…but I didn’t fall in love, and he didn’t with me, so we had this friends with benefits arrangement.
There were times when a kind of love magic infused itself upon us…but it would always go and I saw the cracks in him, as much as he presented this super cool new age guy image.  For one thing – he was a thief!
I saw him shoplift, no qualms. I told him we were friends only, but it was by text, and I felt I needed to face him, to talk about it. When I knocked on his door, he kissed me, and once again it threw me into confusion, damn kisses!

On the spiritual side, I was learning a lot, those dark corners that would be hidden from view if I was alone, came out blazing, with their threat to chain my spirit.

I faced my shame…my passion and devotion to freedom and truth has made me do wrong, as well as good, sexuality is no picnic to tame, never polite cups of tea and cucumber sandwiches on a green lawn.

Shame had me crouched, bent upon myself on the dancefloor, destitute in spirit and so far from God..

With my adult children, I knew I have to come out in the open about my sexuality, they can understand better now, it scares the hell out of me, they have such pure ideals in their youthful wisdom and I hate the thought of coming down in their estimation of me.

Nevertheless, I will talk to them, and trust in love.

In my shame something unexpected happened.

God had forgiven me a long time ago, I knew this because He has blessed my life in countless ways, and made of my failings a cause for celebration. Perceptive as I am, I hadn’t realized I’d never forgiven myself, or rather, the young woman whose heart was too big for her boots.

Once my talk with my children is done, this burden will be gone, once and for all, and I will truly be free J

To cement this internal liberation, I plan to confess my sins to a priest, as a representative of God’s mercy on Earth, and receive the sacrament of reconciliation.

Don’t worry, dear Reader, it won’t make me any holier, and I will never forsake sex, I must remain true to all that God has wrought in me, and repression of sex is not what He has done in my soul.

Back on the physical, it became clearer to me that I must end the sex part of our friendship, the confusion lifted, his kisses lost their power over me.
Once I’ve withdrawn from a man like this, I can’t let him inside me again. But, it was Christmas, he’d been invited to our family, if I’d broken off with him then, he would have been alone..I couldn’t do it, so I managed to avoid sex with him for several days, and told him when I was driving him home.

He took it fairly well, even though he disagreed, and later asked me, via text,  to think again, saying how good we were together, and that we should just keep going.

I spelled it out again, and then I didn’t hear from him for a few days.

Then, he tried to act as if nothing had happened

‘are we going dancing tomorrow night?’

I left that hanging for a while, then replied

‘do u need a lift?’

I felt a bit sick, I really didn’t want to have to tell him again, but like my friend said, he needs a chance to talk about it.  I took him to the dance, but went to the friend’s place after..but now he’s still trying to get me back, I think I will have to tell him again.

I don’t know if we can be friends…he might want to withdraw, but maybe only for some time, because we were good for each other, for a time, and a young man,

with a brain injury and a paralysis, even though good-looking and charming,  needs good friends.